Day: Thursday, April 5th
Place: Finland
The agony of separation has weakened my spirit as well as my soul.. I feel loss of words as I describe this feeling that I can neither conquer nor escape.. which I am left with no other option but endure to my capacity... I feel like a person with a cancer who can only wait for death to consume him and set him free from his sufferings...
The biggest enemy of a person enduring this despair is Hope... hope that things are not all that bad and will be alright if he try a little harder... it is this hope that unable him to detach her from his life and move on… getting hurt by her responses every time he try to be in touch with her.
Today again I had that fit of depression...and it happned when I thought that I am out of it. I went for shopping to divert attention.., but don’t remember when I got into tramp, when got down and how i came back...all i remember is staring out of tramp window in an attempt to hide my watery eyes from ppl around... I feel her close and weep at night when I think of her.. I wish she could see the faith in my sighs.
While going I saw my roommate coming with 12 pack of heineken beer... it will be another niight of uncontrol alcohol consumption... a futile attempt to numb all the feelings and creep back to life.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
Unforgiven
For the first time in my life, I feel time like the heart beat…the ticking of seconds pumping in my breath like a reckoning… The numerous things you did, that were once mysteries and beyond my ken, are now becoming clearer for I am undergoing similar kind of emotional trauma myself...
I feel these words that set the meaning and wait for being lifted from me… as you will read them and relieve my burden… for you should know my heart, look into it, find there the memories and experiences that belong to you... that are you.
I look at you with profound respect, respect that can come only from one who is faltering while treading the same daunting path… and if darkness should swallow me as you read this, I want you to know that you must never think that there was a possibility of some intervention, something that you might have done, to make our relationship work... for the reason of failure was not you but me and the dark prospect of the continuance of our journey which begin with faith shaken and weak conviction....and today as I cross to face you and understand your point of view in complete, I hope that you will forgive me for not making the rest of journey with you... and though we have traveled not so far... memories of togetherness will stay forever.
I feel these words that set the meaning and wait for being lifted from me… as you will read them and relieve my burden… for you should know my heart, look into it, find there the memories and experiences that belong to you... that are you.
I look at you with profound respect, respect that can come only from one who is faltering while treading the same daunting path… and if darkness should swallow me as you read this, I want you to know that you must never think that there was a possibility of some intervention, something that you might have done, to make our relationship work... for the reason of failure was not you but me and the dark prospect of the continuance of our journey which begin with faith shaken and weak conviction....and today as I cross to face you and understand your point of view in complete, I hope that you will forgive me for not making the rest of journey with you... and though we have traveled not so far... memories of togetherness will stay forever.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Unexpected Help...
Day: 18th March
Place: Some street in Helsinki, Finland
Time: Around 8pm
Few days back, I was feeling lonesome and distressed with the ways things were happening in my life. These were mixed feeling of penitence, anger and disappointment. I usually go to a temple when in India. But finding temple in Finland was out of question. I never heard anyone talking about temple in Finland and assumed there is no sense to inquire for one. Moreover, something told me that I would rather become a laughing stock among friends if I did so.. anyways... The next natural thought came that how does it matter if I cant find temple, there will be lot of churches in Finland and I can visit any one of them. But there were different set of problems in going to church. First, I had been to church only once and was not aware of protocols of church. There were chances that I might do something wrong which may offend others. The next was to find a church which was a big problem in itself. I was new to the place and its very difficult to communicate with locals, especially when it comes to taking direction about places. My poor sense of direction made the situation even more hopeless. So considering the level of effort it demanded (or I must say out of laziness) I decided to postpone the idea for some more days till I know the area better...
Few days after that, while returning from Gym I met an old lady in late 60's. She came to me and spoke something to me in Finnish. I apologised and told her that I dont know Finnish.
"Bless you, Bless you" She translated in english.
"Thank you, Thank you" I said with a smile .
There was a twinkle in her eyes and smile on her face.
But before I could say anything, she begin to rush towards her tram that had just arrived. She could barely reach near her tram that something occurred to her and she turned suddenly turned and came back to me. I was standing speechless, wondering what her next step would be. She opened her purse, took out something and handed over to me. Then without saying anything she scuttled towards her tram. In a few moments she had developed some kind of bond with me and I was concerned whether she will be able to catch her tram. She was the last one to get in. I saw her tram leaving till the time it was completely out of sight. I felt happy that still there are good people in this world who unselfishly take time to pray for others.
Later, I looked at what she gave to me. To my surprise it was a card of International Christian Center which said "We welcome you to our English Worship Service every Sunday at 2 pm in Temppeliaukio ( the Rock Church)". It not only had church's contact number, detailed address and timings but at the backside it also had a small map to reach to the church.
God has his own ways to help us when we are in quagmire (I wished for church and He gave me one). He constantly sends us signals to guide us whenever we are in dilemma. Its only us who overlook or are unable to decipher them.
Place: Some street in Helsinki, Finland
Time: Around 8pm
Few days back, I was feeling lonesome and distressed with the ways things were happening in my life. These were mixed feeling of penitence, anger and disappointment. I usually go to a temple when in India. But finding temple in Finland was out of question. I never heard anyone talking about temple in Finland and assumed there is no sense to inquire for one. Moreover, something told me that I would rather become a laughing stock among friends if I did so.. anyways... The next natural thought came that how does it matter if I cant find temple, there will be lot of churches in Finland and I can visit any one of them. But there were different set of problems in going to church. First, I had been to church only once and was not aware of protocols of church. There were chances that I might do something wrong which may offend others. The next was to find a church which was a big problem in itself. I was new to the place and its very difficult to communicate with locals, especially when it comes to taking direction about places. My poor sense of direction made the situation even more hopeless. So considering the level of effort it demanded (or I must say out of laziness) I decided to postpone the idea for some more days till I know the area better...
Few days after that, while returning from Gym I met an old lady in late 60's. She came to me and spoke something to me in Finnish. I apologised and told her that I dont know Finnish.
"Bless you, Bless you" She translated in english.
"Thank you, Thank you" I said with a smile .
There was a twinkle in her eyes and smile on her face.
But before I could say anything, she begin to rush towards her tram that had just arrived. She could barely reach near her tram that something occurred to her and she turned suddenly turned and came back to me. I was standing speechless, wondering what her next step would be. She opened her purse, took out something and handed over to me. Then without saying anything she scuttled towards her tram. In a few moments she had developed some kind of bond with me and I was concerned whether she will be able to catch her tram. She was the last one to get in. I saw her tram leaving till the time it was completely out of sight. I felt happy that still there are good people in this world who unselfishly take time to pray for others.
Later, I looked at what she gave to me. To my surprise it was a card of International Christian Center which said "We welcome you to our English Worship Service every Sunday at 2 pm in Temppeliaukio ( the Rock Church)". It not only had church's contact number, detailed address and timings but at the backside it also had a small map to reach to the church.
God has his own ways to help us when we are in quagmire (I wished for church and He gave me one). He constantly sends us signals to guide us whenever we are in dilemma. Its only us who overlook or are unable to decipher them.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Friday - The Devil's Day
Day: 8th March 2007
Day of Devil
Time: Around 11 PM IST
Place: My room, Finland
Yes, It was Friday and she came online after 2 days. I tossed my favorite coin to decide whether I should talk to her or not. What I didnt knew was that I was stepping on a volcano which was about to explode.
There was a time when we used to talk everyday and never I had to think before calling her. I used to wait for 9 pm every night as it was the time when she used to come from office and I used to talk to her till the shop from where I used to call was about to close. Something happened afterwards, which I am not aware of, and she stopped talking to me. She never gave me the real reason, but something inside me kept on telling me that she still loves me and that someday she will come back to me.
So I tossed my lucky coin, caught it on my left palm with my other palm covering the coin, closed my eyes, prayed God for help and opened my palm. It was a head which means that God also want me to talk to her. Good omen. So today is the day when all my prayers will get answered. I happily doubled clicked against her name on yahoo window and wrote hi on her IM window.
me (3/8/2007 11:28:08 PM): hi
She(3/8/2007 11:28:20 PM): hi
me(3/8/2007 11:28:33 PM): how r u
She (3/8/2007 11:29:12 PM): fine
There were two quick replies which boosted my confidence I desperately needed today. So far so good. Now what to say next? Generally I used to ask her about her family after initial greetings. But my last experience suggested me not to take that road again. .. I dont know what happened that day. she gave me a very cold reply when I asked her about her sister...that day conversation went somewhat like this..
Me (3/5/2007 11:12:28 PM): I am in finland these days... just came from office
She (3/5/2007 11:13:14 PM): okie
Me (3/5/2007 11:16:11 PM): p's (name hidden) exams are over?
She (3/5/2007 11:16:28 PM): none of ur business
(my heart sank after this reply)
Me (3/5/2007 11:17:00 PM): u still mad at me...
She (3/5/2007 11:17:15 PM): nope jus said wat i felt
Me (3/5/2007 11:17:51 PM): ok
(I never had a clue what to do when she is in bad mood and so decide to drop the conversation)
Me (3/5/2007 11:18:19 PM): hey i have to go.... c u someother time
She (3/5/2007 11:18:41 PM): goodbye
Me (3/5/2007 11:18:44 PM): bye
But today I am not going to leave like that and will face it whatever may come. So what am I going to say next… should I talk about my stay here in Finland… tell her how cold Finland is and how difficult it is to survive here.. but then it will only prove what kind of fool I am to come here.. or should I tell her about finnish people who unlike Americans never nod their head and keep on staring when you talk to them... but what after that? stupid idea again...
Ok let’s ask her about her job. She is very fond of talking about her work she told me that once. What a relief!!! She is a marketing executive and tours a lot. I will first ask her about whether she is in the city and then slowly move the conversation to her work. Quite contented with my plan I wrote again…
me(3/8/2007 11:29:30 PM): u r in dun?
me (3/8/2007 11:29:50 PM): or touring
She replied…
She(3/8/2007 11:30:11 PM): y
y.... I knew something of this sort will come and then it will be a time to be calm and poised and handle the situation intelligently. and here i m totally confused... dont now know to answer this question. My mind stopped working. I felt like I am sitting in some quiz competition and am asked the toughest question ever asked in quiz history. I wanted to tell her how much I love herr and how much I care about her and that I spend hours reading her scraps just to have a clue about where she is and what’s happening in her life. And because she didn’t come online for last few days I was worried about her and so this question. I was just trying to figure how to put all these emotions in my reply when I realised that I am taking too much time and she may leave anytime. I panicked and in the furor of the moment I started writing something and pressed send button. Afterwards I stared at what I just wrote. I could not believe my eyes and i felt exasperated at my abilities of screwing up things… all I could write was.... "aaise hi"
me(3/8/2007 11:29:30 PM): u r in dun?
me (3/8/2007 11:29:50 PM): or touring
She(3/8/2007 11:30:11 PM): y
me (3/8/2007 11:30:32 PM): aaise hi
next statement was even more hopeless.
Me (3/8/2007 11:47:54 PM): why r u so rude to me?
(I knew that I just dug a grave for myself and I got the reply I deserve)
She (3/8/2007 11:48:26 PM): leave me alone
She (3/8/2007 11:48:30 PM): did u get dat
Me (3/8/2007 11:50:16 PM): ok (I said meekly)
Suddenly I realized that I was not supposed to give up so soon so I ventured again...
Me (3/8/2007 11:51:20 PM): but y u did this to me?
She (3/8/2007 11:51:40 PM): guess we have settled evethg
She (3/8/2007 11:51:45 PM): goodbye
She (3/8/2007 11:51:50 PM): n get lost
Me (3/8/2007 11:54:22 PM): i know how u settled this... u didnt take time to tell me y u did this way
She (3/8/2007 11:54:40 PM): get lost i say
She (3/8/2007 11:54:48 PM): dont act like a pileon (pillion :( )
Me (3/8/2007 11:58:07 PM): and however hard u pretend that you did right... u did it very badly... u didnt even give me a clue that you ..... blah blah
For 30 minutes I went on writing whatever came to my mind... most of them I shouldnt have said.. But there was no reply from her after that.
Day of Devil
Time: Around 11 PM IST
Place: My room, Finland
Yes, It was Friday and she came online after 2 days. I tossed my favorite coin to decide whether I should talk to her or not. What I didnt knew was that I was stepping on a volcano which was about to explode.
There was a time when we used to talk everyday and never I had to think before calling her. I used to wait for 9 pm every night as it was the time when she used to come from office and I used to talk to her till the shop from where I used to call was about to close. Something happened afterwards, which I am not aware of, and she stopped talking to me. She never gave me the real reason, but something inside me kept on telling me that she still loves me and that someday she will come back to me.
So I tossed my lucky coin, caught it on my left palm with my other palm covering the coin, closed my eyes, prayed God for help and opened my palm. It was a head which means that God also want me to talk to her. Good omen. So today is the day when all my prayers will get answered. I happily doubled clicked against her name on yahoo window and wrote hi on her IM window.
me (3/8/2007 11:28:08 PM): hi
She(3/8/2007 11:28:20 PM): hi
me(3/8/2007 11:28:33 PM): how r u
She (3/8/2007 11:29:12 PM): fine
There were two quick replies which boosted my confidence I desperately needed today. So far so good. Now what to say next? Generally I used to ask her about her family after initial greetings. But my last experience suggested me not to take that road again. .. I dont know what happened that day. she gave me a very cold reply when I asked her about her sister...that day conversation went somewhat like this..
Me (3/5/2007 11:12:28 PM): I am in finland these days... just came from office
She (3/5/2007 11:13:14 PM): okie
Me (3/5/2007 11:16:11 PM): p's (name hidden) exams are over?
She (3/5/2007 11:16:28 PM): none of ur business
(my heart sank after this reply)
Me (3/5/2007 11:17:00 PM): u still mad at me...
She (3/5/2007 11:17:15 PM): nope jus said wat i felt
Me (3/5/2007 11:17:51 PM): ok
(I never had a clue what to do when she is in bad mood and so decide to drop the conversation)
Me (3/5/2007 11:18:19 PM): hey i have to go.... c u someother time
She (3/5/2007 11:18:41 PM): goodbye
Me (3/5/2007 11:18:44 PM): bye
But today I am not going to leave like that and will face it whatever may come. So what am I going to say next… should I talk about my stay here in Finland… tell her how cold Finland is and how difficult it is to survive here.. but then it will only prove what kind of fool I am to come here.. or should I tell her about finnish people who unlike Americans never nod their head and keep on staring when you talk to them... but what after that? stupid idea again...
Ok let’s ask her about her job. She is very fond of talking about her work she told me that once. What a relief!!! She is a marketing executive and tours a lot. I will first ask her about whether she is in the city and then slowly move the conversation to her work. Quite contented with my plan I wrote again…
me(3/8/2007 11:29:30 PM): u r in dun?
me (3/8/2007 11:29:50 PM): or touring
She replied…
She(3/8/2007 11:30:11 PM): y
y.... I knew something of this sort will come and then it will be a time to be calm and poised and handle the situation intelligently. and here i m totally confused... dont now know to answer this question. My mind stopped working. I felt like I am sitting in some quiz competition and am asked the toughest question ever asked in quiz history. I wanted to tell her how much I love herr and how much I care about her and that I spend hours reading her scraps just to have a clue about where she is and what’s happening in her life. And because she didn’t come online for last few days I was worried about her and so this question. I was just trying to figure how to put all these emotions in my reply when I realised that I am taking too much time and she may leave anytime. I panicked and in the furor of the moment I started writing something and pressed send button. Afterwards I stared at what I just wrote. I could not believe my eyes and i felt exasperated at my abilities of screwing up things… all I could write was.... "aaise hi"
me(3/8/2007 11:29:30 PM): u r in dun?
me (3/8/2007 11:29:50 PM): or touring
She(3/8/2007 11:30:11 PM): y
me (3/8/2007 11:30:32 PM): aaise hi
next statement was even more hopeless.
Me (3/8/2007 11:47:54 PM): why r u so rude to me?
(I knew that I just dug a grave for myself and I got the reply I deserve)
She (3/8/2007 11:48:26 PM): leave me alone
She (3/8/2007 11:48:30 PM): did u get dat
Me (3/8/2007 11:50:16 PM): ok (I said meekly)
Suddenly I realized that I was not supposed to give up so soon so I ventured again...
Me (3/8/2007 11:51:20 PM): but y u did this to me?
She (3/8/2007 11:51:40 PM): guess we have settled evethg
She (3/8/2007 11:51:45 PM): goodbye
She (3/8/2007 11:51:50 PM): n get lost
Me (3/8/2007 11:54:22 PM): i know how u settled this... u didnt take time to tell me y u did this way
She (3/8/2007 11:54:40 PM): get lost i say
She (3/8/2007 11:54:48 PM): dont act like a pileon (pillion :( )
Me (3/8/2007 11:58:07 PM): and however hard u pretend that you did right... u did it very badly... u didnt even give me a clue that you ..... blah blah
For 30 minutes I went on writing whatever came to my mind... most of them I shouldnt have said.. But there was no reply from her after that.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
First Step
Day: 11th March
Place: my room, Finland
Edison once said he found 10,000 wrong ways of doing a thing before he could find the right one. A very insightful statement indeed. Help you to get up and get going in rough times.. but people just imagine how easy our lives would become if we can know abt these wrong ways beforehand, so that we dont have to go through all the worng ways to find the right one... Ummm.. strange logic.. but anyways
I have such a natural talent of screwing up things and I do it so easily that if I start penning them down thru this blog.. you will soon know all the goof-up ways... Of course you will have to find the one way of doing it right all by yourself because I don’t know it myself... but you see, it will not be much difficult as after knowing all the wrong ways thru this blog there is only one way left and that has to be the right way.
So friends, keep on reading... You may agree to few things and disagree with others... But whatever you may feel, do write me about them.
Place: my room, Finland
Edison once said he found 10,000 wrong ways of doing a thing before he could find the right one. A very insightful statement indeed. Help you to get up and get going in rough times.. but people just imagine how easy our lives would become if we can know abt these wrong ways beforehand, so that we dont have to go through all the worng ways to find the right one... Ummm.. strange logic.. but anyways
I have such a natural talent of screwing up things and I do it so easily that if I start penning them down thru this blog.. you will soon know all the goof-up ways... Of course you will have to find the one way of doing it right all by yourself because I don’t know it myself... but you see, it will not be much difficult as after knowing all the wrong ways thru this blog there is only one way left and that has to be the right way.
So friends, keep on reading... You may agree to few things and disagree with others... But whatever you may feel, do write me about them.
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